The Talent Contest
by doggettandscully
Summary: There's a talent contest at the FBI, the agents have to choose their special talent


Doggett carefully climbed upon a stool in an effort to reach the top shelve. He  
had placed an important case file up their the previous day. He didn't want Mulder to find  
it because he hoped he would be able to solve it by himself. His little hand scurried around  
on top of the shelf but there seemed to be nothing up there  
"Umm" he mumbled to himself as he tried to understand what possibly could have happened   
"Looking for this?" the raspy voice questioned, Doggett immedeatley turned round to confront  
Mulder  
"How did you?--"  
"Agent Doggett" Mulder said with laughter "That's my star hiding place. Did you really think  
that shelf was empty for nothing?"  
"Er I figured nobody else would have thought about hiding things up there" Doggett said  
dissapointed like a child who had been discovered doing something wrong  
"Well it's not rocket science Doggett" Mulder bitched with sarcasm "You don't have to be a  
genius to find a 'good' hiding place. Ever noticed---"  
"That's what I like to see" Skinner's happy-sounding voice said "Two of my finest agents  
enjoying a rather enjoyable conversation" Doggett and Mulder glanced around to see Skinner  
with his arms folder and a large smile "Please continue" he said gesturing them to carry on  
with their conversation  
"I was er just telling Doggett that a suspect hid his drugs in his erm" Mulder stuttered as he  
tried to fabricate some kind of inventive lie  
"His nikes" Doggett butted on "He hid them in his training shoes"  
"He did?" Mulder asked "I mean er yeh that's right" Mulder had even believed the conversation  
was 'real' for a moment   
"Well I won't waste anymore of your time agents. I just came round to tell you that the FBI are  
holding a talent contest for charity and every agent is to pick their own talent to perform  
at the contest" Skinner informed but Doggett grew confused, a talent contest? for charity?  
"Don't look so worried agent Doggett" Skinner said "I am sure you have a talent, everybody has  
their own secret talent somewhere"  
"Thanks sir" Mulder said trying to rush him outside   
"Don't mention it agent Mulder" Skinner said with a smile  
"As I was saying.." Mulder began but Doggett didn't hear, he was too busy thinking about the  
talent contest. Doggett had grown to realise over the past few years he posessed no talent   
what so ever. Many people had told him he was either not funny or ridiculous "Agent Buzzer  
used to hide his cigarettes on the pipe in the gents" Mulder smirked "He had been told by..are  
you listening to me?" Mulder snapped  
"Mulder do you have a talent?" Doggett asked  
"I have many talents" he said smugly "I can make people laugh"  
People cry too Doggett bitched in his head   
"Do you think I have a talent?" Doggett asked with depression  
"I don't really care much about talent" Mulder said with boredom "Scully's back tomorrow  
let her figure something out for us"  
  
THE NEXT DAY  
  
Scully stressfully barged down the hall. She was a few minutes late for work, she  
was never late she reasoned with herself, how could she be late? She kicked herself for  
pushing that snooze button on the alarm when it went off. It allowed her to oversleep by  
approximately five minutes and seven seconds, she pushed open the office door. She suddenly  
became aware she must still be asleep, she saw a clown, a clown? She nearly fainted when she  
realised the clown was trying to juggle. The juggling balls sank to the floor each time  
the clown tossed them in the air. She needed to get a grip on herself, her hand reached her  
face and handed out a nasty wallop to her cheek, the vision didn't fade. The clown was still  
there  
"Fuck!" it yelled as he strolled over to her desk "Er" Doggett looked to see Scully standing  
in the door way with a shocked expression. He noticed she looked faint, he removed the  
pink curly wig he had purchased from the joke shop on his way to work that morning. Scully  
realised the clown was Doggett but still she was dazed, why was he in a clown outfit? She  
concluded either she was mad or Doggett was "Just trying to think of a talent for the contest"  
he explained  
"Talent? Contest?" she asked dashing over, Doggett had gone over board. He had painted a white  
face, red nose and even tears. She observed he looked very good, a wonderful clown the only  
problem was she remembered that Mulder had a fear of clowns ever since they investigated  
a case about a killer clown, she quickly took a make-up removing wipe from her bag and  
ordered Doggett to wash all of the make-up. Doggett wondered why she was in a cackful state,  
had his clown outfit offended her in some way?  
"Huh?" he groaned  
"There's something you need to know about Mulder" she stated pulling a chair beside Doggett "He  
has this fright of clowns", Doggett's face turned into a smirk. He found it inflexible  
to hold in a gigantic laugh "It has been a aversion for some time now". Doggett successfully  
removed the make-up he tossed the floral smelling wipe into the bin and removed the  
clown costume to reveal his ordinary work suit "I appreciate your understanding Doggett"  
"Er that's perfectly alright" he said sitting at Mulder's desk "So why does he have this  
clown-phobia?" Doggett asked resisting a giggle  
"Well it began several years ago" she said, suddenly the door flew open. Mulder marched in  
dressed in a leather jacket, shades. He had a microphone in his hand "Mulder!" she said  
"Grease lightning" he said trying to impress "Go grease lightning"  
"Are you supposed to be John Travolta?" Doggett asked, puzzled. Mulder stopped his grease  
perfomance and gave Doggett an angry look, removing his shades he began to speak  
"Danny Zuko" he snapped   
"It was good" Scully pretended "But why?"  
"The talent contest" Doggett reminded "I think Mulder fancies himself as a stud"  
"Shut-up" Mulder snarled "At least I am trying"  
"Well boys" Scully bitched "Why don't we all form some kind of band"  
"You mean like Wheatus?" Doggett quried  
"More along the lines of Bon Jovi" she said happily "We need a lead singer, guitar player,  
drummer--"  
"I was thinking more along the lines of a circus" Doggett suggested just so he could frighten  
Mulder  
"Er a circus?" Mulder asked with a shocking expression  
"Yeah you know, animals *clowns*" he replied, Scully gave him a dirty look and glanced at Mulder  
"Well no" Mulder said "I think Scully's idea was just great"  
"I guess..." Doggett pondered  
"I'll drum up some other agents" Mulder said giving Scully a thankful smile, he was glad  
she had come up with the best talent idea yet. When Mulder had gone Doggett let out a small  
chuckle and was alarmed when he felt a finger poking his back, he turned to see Scully folding  
her arms  
"Why did you do that?" she interrogated "After I told you Mulder is afraid of clowns?"  
"Just fooling around" he said  
"That's your problem" she bitched "You never know when to behave seriously"  
  
LATER  
  
Doggett,Scully,Mulder,and Willmore had all decided to create their band for the talent  
contest. Mulder was the guitar player, Willmore the singer, Scully the  
person who hits the tamborine and Doggett didn't yet have a position in the band  
"I can sing..." Doggett intruded as they decided on what songs they were going to cover   
"So can I" Willmore argued   
"I bet I can sing better" Doggett debated  
"Let's hear you" Scully demanded "If you're so *good*", Doggett grew red at her proposol. He  
put his head up slightly and began to sing  
"I'm just a teenage dirt bag--" suddenly the room grew silent as everyone felt like covering  
their ears. Doggett's voice was terrible "Listen to Iron Mai.."  
"That's quite enough" Scully snapped roughly placing her finger of his lips "That's you out  
of the singing position"  
"I am that bad?" he asked, they all nodded and returned their attention back to the band.  
Doggett tiredly glanced at his watch, it read 12:11am. They had been discussing the band  
for four long hours. He had now been given a part in the band, he was the backing singer. He  
had to hum at certain times in the song. They had also decided on what songs they're going  
to sing. Crazy for you by Madonna and Californian girls by the Beach boys  
"Let's call it a night" Doggett said standing up to leave Mulder's apartment. Everybody  
agreed  
"We can rehearse after work tomorrow" Mulder suggested "We need to get the instruments  
together"  
"My friend owns a musical instrument shop" Willmore said "I can rent them at a reduced price"  
"Good idea" Scully said "Our band is going to be great"   
"Yeah especially because Willmore is such a wonderful singer" Mulder said patting Willmore  
on the back, Scully nodded and gave Willmore a smile. He had a perfect voice, she didn't know  
he could sing so well. Doggett jealously pushed passed the bunch of agents and waited by the  
door  
"Ok bye" he said. They were to wrapped up in Willmore's singing talent to notice him leaving.  
  
MULDER'S APARTMENT  
8:00AM FOLLOWING DAY  
  
"Come in" Mulder said happily leaving enough room for Doggett's skinny frame to squeeze through  
"Everybody is already here. We have gone through a few rehearsals already"  
"Without me?" Doggett asked upset  
"Chill" Willmore said "We taped our rehearsal, want to hear?"  
"I already did" Doggett said "From outside, I don't mean to be offensive but you suck"  
Suddenly a palm collided with his cheek, he faced Scully and realised she had smacked him  
again. She was red with anger, her teeth gritted "I think you just need some work"  
"GO!" Scully bellowed "You are officially out of the band", Doggett was surprised by her  
odd behavior. Everybody else seemed to have taken his comment well   
"But-" he began  
"I think you should actually leave" Mulder said with a friendly expression, Doggett guessed  
it was for his own safety being as Scully had a low temper span. He stood up and  
sadly looked down at everybody. Willmore was gauping at Scully with a shocked expression,  
it was obvious Willmore thought she was some madwoman  
"GET OUT" Scully shrieked  
"Okay don't shit yourself, I" suddenly he found himself flying into the corridor at full  
speed. He bashed into the wall and glided to the floor "Bitch" he mumbled as the door slammed.  
He was more worried about the talent contest than the pain he was feeling due to his impact  
on the wall. He needed to get that talent together. He needed to win, just to annoy their band.  
He carefully pulled himself up and left the building  
  
FBI  
  
Doggett had cunningly crafted himself a talent perfomance. He was going to do the scene  
from Titanic where Jack and Rose were standing at the front of the boat. It was his favourite  
part but he now needed a female agent to play Rose. He had even written down the quotes  
he knew them well he had seen the scene 67 times. The positions had also been neatly jotted  
and even the items he would need to make a fake boat deck, it was a perfect plan he concluded  
"Doggett!" Mulder said in surprise as he saw Doggett scribbling at his desk  
"Where's Scully?" he asked  
"She's coming down the hall" Mulder replied "I think you'd better make yourself scarce"  
"I didn't mean what I said. I was just telling you, the band needs more work" Doggett explained  
"I know" Mulder said "It was the first rehearsal, I didn't expect it to be magnificent. I think  
Scully..." suddenly Scully pushed past Doggett and threw her bag on her desk "Oh she's here"  
"I thought I heard my name mentioned" she said bitchily giving Doggett a dirty look  
"I am sorry" Doggett said stepping forward "I didn't mean it the way it sounded"  
"Okay but you're still out of the band. You didn't exactly have a position anyway" she said  
coldly. Doggett was upset by her words, why was she being such a bitch?   
"Oh it's okay" he said stroppily walking over to his desk "I am going to go and check the   
notice board for agents who don't yet have a talent for the contest" Doggett said  
leaving the room  
"That was harsh" Mulder snapped, Mulder was right she was being a Class A bitch towards  
Doggett. She couldn't control her temper with him. He had a particular way that just   
winded her up like nobody else could.   
Doggett carefully studied the notice board, he found that every agent had been ticked off  
for having a talent all except agent Reyes. He was so happy, Reyes had always been his  
friend and he was certain she would agree to the Titanic scene.  
  
REYE'S OFFICE  
  
"Chopstix you little shit, get that paper--" Reyes said but cut of when she saw Doggett in  
the door way "Oh er Doggett" she said standing up to greet him  
"No need to stand" he said walking over "Hi Chopstix" Doggett said with a smile  
"Morning Doggett" Chopstix said, retreiving some paper from Reye's desk.  
"What'ya want?" she asked  
"The talent contest" he said with a desperate face "I was in a band with the other agents  
but they chucked me out and now I need a partner, preferably female" he hinted  
"Hey agent Pitfall is free" she said suggestively  
"I was thinking about you" he said feeling stupid  
"Me? Oh Doggett you want me to be in your act?" she asked happily. Doggett nodded and  
received a kiss for his effort "What are we doing?"  
"Well a scene from Titanic" he said handing her a little book with all his ideas in  
"That's my favourite movie" she said snatching the book, she began to read everything closely  
"These are amazing" she said "Listen Doggett I'll drop by your house tonight and we can  
practice the scene" she said   
"Sure thing" Doggett said with a wink and a smile  
  
THE X-FILES OFFICE  
  
Doggett walked in expecting to get another bitch from Scully or Mulder but instead he found the   
room with just Scully cosily typing at her computer, he didn't know quite what to do. Should he  
speak to her? or should he just sit down?  
"Doggett" she said "I am sorry"  
"Erm oh" he was shocked by her apology  
"I shouldn't have treated you like that" she admitted  
"Hey it's alright" he said fakely smiling  
"The backing singer is still free" she said,   
"No" he snapped "I have other plans now"  
"What?" she angrily asked storming over to him. She had wanted him to grovel back for  
the backing singer position in the band, he hadn't  
"Me and agent Reyes have our own act" he said smugly  
"Since when?"  
"Since a few minutes ago when I asked her" he bitched  
"Okay you make your bed you lay in it" she said angrily  
"I thought I wasn't welcome in the band anyway" Doggett said "Why am I suddenly involved?"  
"Sshh" she said not wanting to speak to him, Doggett was angry by her behavior. He wished  
he could say something but everytime he opened his mouth she told him to ssshh  
"Scu.."  
"SSSSSHHHHH" she said "Leave me in peace"  
"Fine" he snapped giving her a big womanish dirty look. He guessed she had wanted him to  
go crawling back to the 'band' but why should he do them any favours?, he left the office.  
  
  
THE TALENT NIGHT  
  
Doggett nervously awaited the arrival of Reyes. He glanced at his He-Man watch again realising  
she was late he sighed.   
"Doggett" Mulder's voice said, he looked to see Mulder with a large smile "You here alone?"  
"No just waiting for Reyes"  
"Reyes?" he questioned "Oh yeah you and Reyes are doing your talent perfomance together" he  
said bitchily "What you going to do Sonny and Cher? Or perhaps something cheesy like Titanic"  
he said giving out a huge laugh and a hefty pat on the back to Doggett. Doggett's face turned  
to horror and he realised he was doing Titanic. Mulder found it funny, did everybody find Titanic  
funny? He couldn't understand why Mulder was laughing so much. He watched as Mulder stood there  
laughing hysterically. He couldn't hear him anymore because he was too deep in thought, he just  
saw a large face hovering in front of him. One he could smack at that moment  
"Doggett!" Reyes said tugging at his sleeve "Agent Doggett"  
"Oh" Doggett said coming out of his trance "Er you ready?"  
"Ready as ever. Just need a quick fag" she said lighting a fag under Doggett's nose, the smoke  
puffed into his face causing him to cough and splutter  
"Well guys I'd love to stay and 'chat' but I have places to go and people to meet" he said  
with a smile. He made his way inside the building where the talent night was being held  
"So agent Doggett you practiced?" Reyes asked releasing another cloud of smoke into his oxygenated  
air  
"Yeh" he said wishing there was some way they could change their plans "Mulder thinks the idea  
of doing Titanic is stupid" he blurted out  
"So what" Reyes said "I hear they're doing a band like Backstreet boys" she said laughing "Agent  
Scully was due to join them but because of her condition she is in charge of the stereo playing  
the music"  
"A boy band?" Doggett questioned, he found the idea tempting only he couldn't actually do  
a boy band with himself and Reyes. He saw Chow, Scrag and Chopstix walking in his direction  
giggling amongst themselves and he had the best idea he could ever have had in the entire  
history of his life  
"Hey Doggy" Chow said  
"Doggett" Doggett corrected "You guys picked a talent?"   
"Just a comedy show" Scrag replied "Not as funny as we at first hoped"  
"How about we all get together and perform in boyband style?" Doggett questioned. Reyes  
suddenly looked shocked and angry  
"Fuck you Doggett" she yelled pushing him "What about our Titanic perfomance?"  
"Well Mulder will laugh" he snapped  
"Oh well you jerks can stick together I am going to help out Scully" she said storming off  
"Hey you upset agent Reyes" Chopstix yelled with fright "She is going to be a real bitch now"  
"Listen we can do Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus. Do you know the words?" he asked looking at  
each of them for an answer  
"Hey yeah" Scrag said happily  
"I do" Chow said  
"Me too" added Chopstix  
"Then we're on" Doggett said happily  
  
MULDER and WILLMORE's PEFORMANCE  
  
Suddenly the stage went dark and two little lights came on above the stage. Doggett nervously  
sat back in his chair and awaited the little perfomance. Suddenly Mulder and Willmore  
appeared with the glow of the stage lights. Music began to play, he recognised it as The   
Backstreet Boys 'Rock your body' he was shocked at the pathetic talent they supposedly   
held. They were terrible, Mulder couldn't sing and Willmore's voice was too low.   
"They are crap Doggy, I don't think we have a problem" Chow giggled  
"DOGGETT" he yelled in correction  
"This is my favourite song agent Doggett, do you mind keep your voice lowered?" Skinner suddenly  
asked  
"No sir" Doggett said suddenly going silent  
"Everybody, rock your body..." Mulder sang. Doggett couldn't understand why everybody was  
enjoying their peformance. It was terrible, perhaps it was because Mulder and Willmore were  
the most favoured agents at the beareu  
"Man we better get in position" Scrag whispered "We're on next"  
"Oh god" Doggett groaned "I need the loo" he said dashing off in search for a bathroom  
"He gets the shits" Skinner suddenly explained leaving the three nerdy agents confused "Hey  
don't look so worried nerds" Skinner said. They all looked upset by the AD's words but  
they all remembered he was going through a mid-life crisis "You can't do any better than Mulder  
but you can certainly try" he said with a bitchy look.  
  
DOGGETT, CHOPSTIX and SCRAG's PERFOMANCE  
  
Doggett stood on the stage, he could see all of the people in the audience. Chow was in charge  
of the playing of the tape. He looked at Scrag who was holding a fake guitar and Chopstix  
who was pretending to play the drums to the sound of teenage dirtbag. Doggett began to sing  
leaving the audience covering their ears. At that precise moment Scrag snatched the microphone  
away and motioned Doggett to take his guitar. Doggett pretended to play while Scrag sang.  
Everybody began to enjoy the performance. It was then Doggett realised he needed a woman to   
sing the end part. He began to cack and panic until he spotted Reyes in the audience talking  
to Scully and Mulder. He gestured her to come up, she gave him a dirty look and a rude hand  
signal. He began to sweat with panic when he realised he would probably have to do the  
woman singing part.  
"Oh yeah Dirt bag, no she doesn't know what she's missing" Scrag sang  
"Doggy" a strange little whisper said, he knew instantly it was Chow. He casually glanced  
behind to see Chow holding up a sign saying  
  
SHALL I DO THE BIT ABOUT THE TICKETS TO IRON MAIDEN?  
  
Doggett was angered and upset that Chow was trying to steal his spotlight. Although he would  
be singing a woman's part he really didn't care for he knew he would at least get some of  
the credit  
"I feel like mold, low and behold she's walking over to me this must be fake, my lip starts  
to shake. How does she know who I am? And why does she give a damn about me" Scrag sang,  
Doggett grabbed hold of the microphone  
"I've got two tickets to iron maiden baby, come with me Friday don't say maybe. I'm just a  
teenage dirtbag baby like you" Doggett bellowed. This time the audience seemed to enjoy his  
singing. He guessed it was because he was trying to sing like a woman.  
  
AFTER THE TALENT NIGHT  
  
"Well Agents Doggett, Scrag, Chow and Chopstix you should be proud" Skinner said with joy "You  
all managed to raise the most money Your comedic reference to that terrible band wheetos was  
wonderful"  
"Wheatus" Doggett corrected with a frown. How dare Skinner say their performance was a joke  
when it was serious. How dare he insult Doggett's favourite pop group  
"Are you correcting me agent Doggett?" Skinner asked turning red with fury  
"No sir" Doggett lied making the situation worse  
"Are you lying agent Doggett?"   
"No sir" Doggett lied further  
"I wan't you in my office 8am sharp agent Doggett" Skinner ordered with a stern look "Agents  
you may leave. Collect your prize bottles of wine on the way out" Skinner said with a fake  
smile.  
  
THE END  
  
Back/table  
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